I feel so out of place‚ so out of sync in this city I grew up in.
The people I knew‚ mere faces I recognize but don’t know
only after-tastes of something delicious of which the original flavor has been lost in the belly of my person
There was always this pull towards you
like when the ocean rises on a moon full.
A sensation that tingles every time you were in my radar;
the subtle warning that I could plummet at any moment –
if only I hadn’t resisted so long
But then I caved.,
And in letting gravity sweep me off my feet,
taking a trip to the galaxy and round-a-bout the stars
I landed on your open heart-step
with a ticket that says “Admit one,”
He has this look that says he wants to give you the world and
everything in it
to place it on the palm of your hand‚
And he tries to accomplish this everyday
with little trinkets he either bought or made;
hoping to win your approval
But‚ I tell you‚ it’s not the gifts you should be happy about –
though there’ll be a lot
It’s that look that is priceless
liquor bottle caps or napkins from a cafe‚
movie tickets and broken sunglasses‚
they all sit comfortably in my tin box;
rattling from time to time
sifted through when I miss you
or opened when I have stolen a new trinket
Well, we’ve said it all
And even the shy Imissyous,
g a p
at the other
A silent expectation
When you feel like you’re just a small speck in this world. That’s how stars feels too.
We’ve barricaded these feelings –
considered them an impossibility; incomprehensible; a dream
yet as our hands waltzed and our eyes kissed
We melted, melded and forgot every worry there was
She is no one’s possession
She is no totem‚ no trophy‚ no collectible
She is a woman
She is who she chooses to be
She is She
There are poems to be found in
used journals and scribbles at the back of
your school notes
In the old files hidden somewhere in your
hard drive or on the expanse of blue above while you
graze on the uncut green
It wasn’t that he was a coward
No. He was much braver than the lion
and much smarter than the owl
It was just the fleeting moment of fight or flight that got his bones wringing
the escapist in him singing
that he threw himself so high; out of sight, out of reach, free –
and he’s been there since
for the eyes are the
the delicate prologue
that catches dews; a shield from
irritation or potential pain
noticed only just to be curled
and to add falses
or shed to grant wishes
When memories resurface. You’d be surprised that the feelings are different.
I had just finished reading Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler and Maira Kalman and it left a nick in my heart. Nay. It had nicked my heart where it used to be broken.
Although, it took me about five to six months (yeah, that long!) to finish it. I have no regrets. The closure and questions that that relationship had left were answered by this book.
It made me realize that you don’t need to have those questions answered by the person who gave them to you. You also don’t need to find someone else to answer them for you. It’s something you have to figure out for yourself. It’s something that you have to define and accept.
The difficult part was not the break up itself. It was three simple words “BREAK NA TAYO”. No, the difficult part was the feeling of being unwanted, discarded, unworthy. The question of “Was I not enough?” and “Will I never be enough?” became the dilemma. It was also the feeling of extricating yourself from the entanglement of attachment. Remembering you was easy but missing you was like getting my breath knocked out of my lungs. Tears will spill involuntarily and the world will seem like hell. Nothing was bright and everything was to be hated.
It’s true, though. Time heals everything. There might be some residues here and there, how can there not be? But, learning to live and love again was, by far, better than those years with you. I was Min Green for you when I should’ve been your Juliet.