Trust Exercise

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I recently received a Facebook message from some anonymous person claiming that my 3 year boyfriend is cheating on me in the U.S.

Of course, my initial response would be disbelief… followed by pain… self-pity and then anger as a normal person would feel. And yet, somehow I stayed at the level of self-pity. It never got to anger (though it did hit remotely close) but never the full-fledged flare of wrath that I usually gave shitty people in my life. And, it really makes you think about the ability of a person to feel.

At the time as I was reading that wretched message: my heart was shattered and I felt a little bit short out of breath, I could feel my muscles tense and then drop as if life wasn’t possible anymore. Over-exaggeration, I know. But in the context of him being my best friend in the world added he’s also my boyfriend. It turned everything I knew to a pulp. But, I never once thought – even in that state of emotional rock-bottom – of hurting him back and getting even. Maybe, it was from all of those years of conditioning and rehearsing We’ll break up eventually but I’ll still love him or maybe, I’m just that kind of person – understanding and self-degenerating. I don’t know. I’ve been thinking about this  for days now and I love him that much is all  I can think about. That I’d been willing to let him off the hook if he was happy (if it were true) and that hurting by myself wouldn’t be so bad. Of course, I didn’t act on it immediately. That would be stupid. So, I asked him straight who the hoe-bag was (Duh, I’m not mad at him. I’m mad at the bitch he shacking up with) and he said they were just friends. I then asked the girl and she said the same thing.

And yes, I was not convinced at first but  in the end I decided to just trust him. As I have in our 7 years of friendship and 3 years of relationship. He has no reason  to lie. (He can’t even lie!) And, this three month of separation won’t work if I keep investigating and doubting him and by trusting him and his words I’m saving myself a lot of effort. That doesn’t mean I’m not jealous or still worried – that’s normal – but I am certain that what I feel for him is strong enough to cut mountains and, with a heart like this, if it ever comes to a situation like that again, I’ll overcome it and I’ll move on.

But, seriously though… Church bells are already ringing. Why the hell am I thinking so negatively?  🙂

 

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