What do you know of the word itself?

Who are we to decide what we deserve in this world? When all we’ll ever do will never be enough to satisfy the essence of the word. Deserve. What does it mean?  It’s such a delicate word where you roll your tongue towards the end. Like the taking of what it is due where you coil your arm outward and sweep it back to your base; like a kiss for a heroic: a type of currency where you exchange things of varying values and try to cheat the other that your item deserves to be traded for his item, as if they are of the same forge and temper and copper.

There it is again.
That word.
Deserve.

So easily drawn from your vocabulary, without a second thought, the word feels like the only one you could use in that sentence, like it should be lightly used without it’s many consequences or your many pretexts that indeed, it can be the appropriation of your fleeting feelings that you claim I deserve so much.

What do you know of what I deserve?
What do you know of the word itself?

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Travel Collection Entry#4: Sirao, Cebu

I went to a garden in Sirao
found another realm in each flower
Flaunting and flirting butterfly wings
Picturesque couples exchanging rings

The sun perches on marshmallow clouds
shines on different statues standing proud
A cliff-drawn fairy princess tower
God’s giant palm where men don’t cower

Such a beautiful wee Amsterdam

 

U N W I L L I N G

We live on the same planet, the same soil, the same goddamn city, and yet we are far away like the north and the south. We are the ends of two poles constantly tugging at the same rope, expectantly at when it will end and the other would turn up – breathless as the day of flushed confessions and the sweeping of feet from under our unguarded of moments – yet coming up with nothing, just the unruly confusion of the disentangled stub because the hour that you started to pull was the hour I stopped, as our body clocks succumbed to different whenevers. And each time this cycle rotates back to the beginning, each time the other throws the line back the other end, there is another grain of unintended hurt tucked away in the chambers of our hearts which cannot be helped. We are two people enamored by the closeness we share, the love we profess, the time we implore – the laws of man and the universe could never part us. It’s just that the injustice here does not come from the situation itself or any external force in any form but from our unwillingness to compromise our separate lives to make room for our love to evolve.

 

Trading for Wishes

I close my eyes and lose some teeth. Hoping the tooth fairy would exchange them for wishes as I’m fresh out. I tell her telepathically, – praying she’s within radar – that she gift me good wishes and not the bogus kind you could buy at 7 eleven. See, wishes shouldn’t be treated like the lottery where random people are drawn to win. If the world worked like that, then what use is it to be the best that you can? Wishes should be earned or exchanged; a price for a good. That is how the world works. You give and you take or you scavenge for falling stars in disarray.
Noticing a drift, I cluck at myself- a wordless reprimand – and hold my hands together, molars and canines pressed against my palms. I whisper encantations: the trade begins.

Playing God. Playing Victim.

You are a puppet master
With a dancing marionette
Playing god in this shadow play,
Keeping secrets, keeping pockets
Full of gold and silver, jangling in pouches
Nicked from mesmerized spectators, even the magister’s purse!

A fireworks of theater, spectacular shams, grand eruptions galore!

But oh! The sirens assault and the audience scampers except YOU, thick-skinned fiend, whisper more, whisper more, whisper more
rumours in the ears of foot-soldiers! Play your part. Play it so. Play victim to the convoluted catacombs of your imagined riches.

Lagusan

Nasa loob tayo ngayon ng isang napakahabang lagusan

madilim, makipot,

mahirap huminga

nakakapuot –

malamig na hangin ang pumupulupot sa ating

mga balikat, malalayo ang ating mga daliri,

malalayo ang ating mga binti, malalayo ang ating mga sarili walang ibang malapit kundi

katahimikan –

nakakabingi, nakakasuka, nakakabaliw

Bakit nariyan ka sa kabilang dulo?

Nakatalikod. Dumudungaw sa liwanag

Samantalang, heto ako, nakatitig – isinasaulo -nang bawat linya at kurba ng iyong silweta

Napapaisip kung nararamdaman mo ba,

kung nagsisitindigan ba ang iyong mga balahibo?

kung may nararamdaman ka pa ba – Naalala ko noong namamasyal ang ating mga labi sa iba’t-ibang lugar ng pasikreto, mga bulong na nagdadala ng maiinit na hininga,mga yakap na nagpapakalma sa pusong pagod, pusong kapos at pusong nag-iisa

Naiintindihan mo ba ang mga sinasabi ko? Nakikinig ka ba? hindi ito katulad ng dati! Hindi maaring ganito tayo, na para bang lahat ng bagay ay nasa kaayusan, na ang langit at ang lupa ay magkaibang daigdig pa, na para bang walang bulkang nagaalburuto sa kailaliman ng ating pagkatao, sa ating relasyon, ilang kahon na ng sigarilyo ang kailangan mong sindihan nilang kasa ng alak nang kailangan kong laklakin bago mo idura sa mundo ang katotohanan Katotohanan? Ani mo, isang nagyeyelong gabi sa tabi ng kalsada

Anong pinagsasabi mo? Hindi mo ako maintindihan. Hindi mo ako naiintindihan. Hindi mo ako iniintindi.

Putang ina. Pagod na akong habulin ka palabas ng humahabang lagusan na ito na ni minsan hindi ako nakalapit para hawakan yang mga kamay mo

Dugo’t pawis ang tumitibok sa mga tenga ko, nabibingi sa mga palusot mo

Nalilitong mga luha at makipot na lalamunan sa tuwing papalampasin mo ang araw ng walang halik sa noo

Ano pa ba ang gusto mo saakin? Pa ang itatanong mo at iinit ang ulo ko

Oo nga, ano pa nga ba ang gusto ko? Ano pa nga ba ang kailangan ko sayo?

Nung isang buwan pa ito pero hanggang ngayon hindi ko parin masambit, nagpapasensya nanaman akong muli, dahil Mahal, mahal kita… Simple at direkta, kaya nagagawa kong pagtiyagan ang distansya sa kadahilanang mahal na mahal kita. pero Mahal, tao din ako. Mahal, pagod na rin akong mahalin ka. Mahal, hindi ko na kayang ako lang ang nagmamahal sa ating dalawa. Mahal, ubos na ubos na ako na naipangutang ko na ang aking kaluluwa. Mahal, naiiintindihan mo ba? Mahal, ayoko na dito sa dilim, palabasin mo na ako sa lagusang ito.